veritiesandbalderdash

so it’s been a while since i’ve—i guess the word is—tumbld.  that’s pretty irrelevant.  what is relevant, however, is that a lot has changed in my life.  i went through a rather spiritually dry period.  actually, it’s like the adversary took a gigantic shamwow to my spiritual waters.  that period lasted roughly a year.  as to not glorify the negative aspects of what went on or who caused them, i’ll just say i went through and did some pretty dumb stuff. 

but praise god, the drought is over!

i was tired of living apart from myself.  i no longer could continue to deny the thirsting in my spirit.

about a month ago, i posted on here a dream that i had (see: while we sleep, he speaks).  in the dream an intruder came into my home and began to choke me.  as it turned out, the man choking me was actually me.  i was choking myself!

after i awoke, the dream continued to affect me.  for days i thought about it, pondering all the aspects of what it could mean.  i was killing myself? 

as he was choking me, i peered into the man’s eyes and was overcome with compassion (i had yet to realize he was me). i had looked into his eyes, and out of the overflow of the spirit i forgave him.  and once i did he let me go and disappeared. 

what’s strange is that while i was doing some of the inglorious things i had begun to do, i would often go look into my own eyes in a mirror and wonder “is this still me?”  the dream was reflecting my reality.

just last night i realized this: i had to forgive myself.

many times we are too hard on ourselves.  sometimes, we can forgive others of major offenses, but we can’t forgive ourselves for the smallest sin.  it’s true, i had sought perfection in my life.  i have always believed in doing things to the best of my ability, and there’s nothing wrong with that in itself.  but when it’s done out of pride and insecurity, it’s a major problem.

see, a lot of people who are prideful are actually insecure.  the pride is simply a way to mask the insecurity. i seemed to be a pretty confident guy, and in certain things i was.  but my deep-down insecurities still seemed to get the best of me.

initially, my motives were pure.  my heart was pure.  my love was real.

but some external conflicts became inner conflicts and began to distort the purity that was in me.  a root of bitterness was planted, and eventually the purity gave way to impurity and things were happening that i never saw coming.  i was doing things i never thought i would do, much less could do.

and all the while god was gently showing me the truth.  and for a long time i would see it, but chose to ignore it.  i would convince myself that it was okay and continue staggering along the wide path. 

but then god basically started yelling at me.  he wasn’t going to let me ignore him anymore, and a few things happened that got my attention. there was no way i could brush off such blatant mercies.

he’s such a good father. 

he patiently let me make my choices, but i believe he loves me so much that he wasn’t going to let me go too far before he started yelling to get my attention.

and now i am a lovesick child, recently reunited with their daddy.  his presence is such rest and security for my weary heart.

so i pray

that god will give me the grace to continue in his way.  that my heart would be steadfast, immovable.  that i would seek him, and find him in his usual place-right with me. 

jesus said, “come to me all you who are heavy-laden and i will give you rest… for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

amen.

i had a dream the other night that sparked in me much contemplation and introspection.  it was one of those dreams that moves you, that creates a tidal wave of inner longing and desire for understanding.  i think i may have finally pieced it together.

in the dream, all of my family and friends went on vacation.  in typical dream fashion, it seemed completely normal that they would all go together.  as soon as they left i began to dismiss the warnings. 

“what warnings?,” you may ask.

well, i hadn’t received any warnings, but, intuitively, i knew of some impending doom.  it’s strange how in dreams you seem to know things.  for example, in the dream, the house i was living in was not the house i grew up in nor was it any house i’ve ever seen, but i knew it was my house.  it felt like home.

and i just seemed to feel the warnings, as if my conscience was aware of something that i was not.  but i dismissed the inner warnings.  i had no fear.  nothing could destroy me.

a few days had passed since the family and friends had left for vacation.  the warnings i felt were getting stronger, but i continued to ignore them.  nothing could get me.

at one point i looked down at my hands, and they were cartoonish and yellow.  in my dream, the perspective changed and from another viewpoint i saw myself.  i was homer simpson.  this scene in the dream lasted for only a second, and then i was back to normal.

one night (still in the dream), i opened the garage door, and there he stood: a man carrying a knife, with three men standing a distance behind him.  the three men did nothing, but the man chased me.  all through the house i ran, ducking behind couches and crawling through doorways but no matter where i went, there he was—stalking me. 

finally, he pinned me up against what seemed to be a counter.  he wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed.  i found it odd that he didn’t use his knife, but his hands were doing the job just fine.  as he choked me, i looked into his eyes.  retaliation crossed my mind, but then a peace came over me and my heart was broken for this man.  i began to pray for him.  i began to ask that god forgive him for what he was doing, and i asked that he would be delivered from the things in his past that led him to where he was.

he immediately released his grip and, like a fog, vanished.  then that feeling of knowing came over me, and i realized that that man was me.  and then i woke up.

when i awoke, i knew the dream had affected me.  i couldn’t stop thinking about it.  and even as i wrote this i received clarity about some different aspects of it.  so here is what i have gleaned from this dream:

the fact that i was choking myself: this means that i am the only one who can choke out god’s plans for my life.  i am the one who is responsible for the life i live.

the warnings i felt: this means that god is speaking to me, attempting to guide me and bless me if i would only listen.

me as homer simpson: this baffled me for a while, but as i wrote this out it came to me.  the one episode of the simpsons that has always stuck with me was the one where homer commits all of the “seven deadly sins.”  the chief one that stuck out to me is pride.  homer believes that everyone is less important and intelligent than him, and eventually his house catches on fire while he’s asleep on the couch.  symbolic, eh?

praying for the man: to me, this means that i have not gone too far.  the fact that i am compelled to pray for the man even as he chokes me shows me that when it comes down to it my heart can still be moved by god.  also, since he was me, it shows me that there are things in my past that may have been affecting me.

this dream really stirred me.  i hope that while reading this something stirred in you, too.  if you have any questions or would like to comment about anything, feel free to message me.

after a moderate amount of deliberation, i decided to start this blog.  i’m not sure if anyone will ever follow me, or if i’ll even keep it maintained…  but i do know that this is the first step toward a medium of expression.  it’s something i’ve wanted to do, to make myself and my thoughts available to the general public. 

let’s see what happens.